Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum.  Try having tuna mayonnaise for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Hairstyle: Curly Perm

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day.  Try having steak tartare for elevenses.

Lucky Organ: Eyes

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.  Try having cauliflower cheese for a late evening snack.

Lucky Note: Hemidemisemiquaver

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Eat some food for dinner today.  Try having steak and kidney pudding for dinner.

Lucky Artist: Klee

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs.  Try having meat and potato pie for lunch.

Lucky Note: Minim

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

It's no use crying over spilt milk, that'll just water it down  Try having pasta bake for breakfast.

Lucky Period: Permian

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

That 'silent but deadly' you let go this morning will fortuitously avert an alien invasion.  Try having steak and kidney pudding for brunch.

Lucky Bone: Rib (13th)

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

Two's company; three's a crowd; four's an orgy.  Try having chicken tikka masala for a light snack.

Lucky Facial Hair: Sideburns

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

You will catch bird flu after sharing a cup of tea with your pet emu.  Try having cottage pie for tea.

Lucky Cheese: Tilsit

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

You will say hello to someone with hair.  Try having a bacon sandwich for a snack between meals.

Lucky Author: Zola

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Your spaceship will crash on an Earth type planet ruled by English speaking chimpazees, gorillas and orang utans.  Try having haggis for elevenses.

Lucky Bird: Bearded Tit

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

A watched pot never boils. Smoke it instead.  Try having gammon and pineapple for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Artist: Chagall