Menu

Eat Chips

Drink Beer
Adverts

> Home > Lifestyle > Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Don't do that, you'll go blind.  Try having jelly for tea.

Lucky Artist: El Greco

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella.  Try having cornflakes for breakfast.

Lucky Author: H. G. Wells

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.  Try having jelly for a late evening snack.

Lucky Period: Jurassic

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

People who live in glass houses shouldn't... you know.  Try having suckling pig for dinner.

Lucky Artist: Matisse

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

The end of the world is nigh, so don't bother shaving.  Try having tomato soup for tea.

Lucky Mollusc: Oyster

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

You will be abducted by aliens who will offer you tea and biscuits in exchange for your spleen.  Try having a doner kebab for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Architecture: Queen Anne

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

You will discover the meaning of life, but lose the napkin on which you wrote it down.  Try having pork chops for breakfast.

Lucky Punctuation: Semicolon

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

You will wake up to find that you have metamorphosed into a giant cockroach.  Try having stew and dumplings for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Poet: T. S. Eliot

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Especially when he needs money.  Try having haggis for breakfast.

Lucky Bird: White-bellied Go-away-bird

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Or, to put it another way, fair exchange is no robbery in the world of organ donation.  Try having cottage pie for tea.

Lucky Bird: Babbler

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Better to be alone than in bad company. That's why Paul Rodgers went solo.  Try having curry for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Bird: Bustard

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, especially one with extremenly bad breath  Try having roast beef and Yorkshire puddings for lunch.

Lucky Artist: Constable