Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

You will read some words printed on paper.  Try having lobster thermidor for dinner.

Lucky Empire: Assyrian

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early.  Try having an ice-cream for afternoon tea.

Lucky Bird: Brown Booby

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

A stitch in time saves nine. However, it doesn't mend a rip in the space time continuum.  Try having bangers and mash for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Punctuation: Comma

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

As the proverb goes, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. So make sure you're getting a portion a day.  Try having gammon and pineapple for elevenses.

Lucky Author: Dostoyevsky

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.  Try having roast beef and Yorkshire puddings for brunch.

Lucky Empire: Glasgow

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

Eat some food for dinner today.  Try having ten pints of lager for supper.

Lucky Author: J. M. Barrie

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

Home is where the heart is. You need to be more careful with your organs.  Try having tuna mayonnaise for elevenses.

Lucky Artist: Magritte

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

It's no use crying over spilt milk, that'll just water it down  Try having a beefburger for a late evening snack.

Lucky Organ: Oesophagus

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

That 'silent but deadly' you let go this morning will fortuitously avert an alien invasion.  Try having toast for a light snack.

Lucky Organ: Prostate

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

Two's company; three's a crowd; four's an orgy.  Try having vegetable soup for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Poet: Sassoon

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

You will catch bird flu after sharing a cup of tea with your pet emu.  Try having fish and chips for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Organ: Stomach

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

You will say hello to someone with hair.  Try having meat and potato pie for afternoon tea.

Lucky Author: Voltaire