Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Your bad breath will cause the extinction of a rare species of woodlouse.  Try having pasta bake for breakfast.

Lucky Bird: Scaly Thrush

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

A long lost tribe will be discovered in the Amazon who have been worshipping you as a god for several generations.  Try having a pint of beer for elevenses.

Lucky Cloud: Stratocumulus

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

Apparently his bark is worse than his bite.  Try having cucumber sandwiches for dinner.

Lucky Composer: Wagner

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Birds of a feather flock together. They also fart together, but that seldom makes the news.  Try having oxtail soup for a snack between meals.

Lucky Bird: Ashy-headed Laughingthrush

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. However, you will miss out on a lot of fun.  Try having haggis for dinner.

Lucky Composer: Britten

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

He who laughs last has the last laugh.  Try having cornflakes for lunch.

Lucky Punctuation: Colon

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

It's better to give than to receive. Except perhaps syphilis.  Try having fish and chips for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Column: Doric

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

Remember that a bad workman always blames his tools. And a bad Gigolo just blames his tool.  Try having a Cornish pasty for a light snack.

Lucky Fish: Giant Gourami

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

Two heads are better than one. Especially if you're looking for a job in the circus.  Try having an ice-cream for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Column: Ionic

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

You will be excited by a small lump of cheese today.  Try having a hamburger for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Artist: M.C. Escher

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

You will read some words printed on paper.  Try having haggis for a light snack.

Lucky Cloud: Nimbostratus

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early.  Try having bacon and eggs for afternoon tea.

Lucky Architecture: Postmodern