Aries 21st March - 19th April
Your bad breath will cause the extinction of a rare species of woodlouse. Try having pasta bake for breakfast.
Lucky Bird: Scaly Thrush
Taurus 20th April - 21st May
A long lost tribe will be discovered in the Amazon who have been worshipping you as a god for several generations. Try having a pint of beer for elevenses.
Lucky Cloud: Stratocumulus
Gemini 22nd May - 21st June
Apparently his bark is worse than his bite. Try having cucumber sandwiches for dinner.
Lucky Composer: Wagner
Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July
Birds of a feather flock together. They also fart together, but that seldom makes the news. Try having oxtail soup for a snack between meals.
Lucky Bird: Ashy-headed Laughingthrush
Leo 24th July - 23rd August
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. However, you will miss out on a lot of fun. Try having haggis for dinner.
Lucky Composer: Britten
Virgo 24th August - 23rd September
He who laughs last has the last laugh. Try having cornflakes for lunch.
Lucky Punctuation: Colon
Libra 24th September - 23rd October
It's better to give than to receive. Except perhaps syphilis. Try having fish and chips for a mid-morning snack.
Lucky Column: Doric
Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November
Remember that a bad workman always blames his tools. And a bad Gigolo just blames his tool. Try having a Cornish pasty for a light snack.
Lucky Fish: Giant Gourami
Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December
Two heads are better than one. Especially if you're looking for a job in the circus. Try having an ice-cream for a mid-morning snack.
Lucky Column: Ionic
Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January
You will be excited by a small lump of cheese today. Try having a hamburger for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Artist: M.C. Escher
Aquarius 21st January - 19th February
You will read some words printed on paper. Try having haggis for a light snack.
Lucky Cloud: Nimbostratus
Pisces 20th February - 20th March
Your blood will boil, your brain will putrify, ooze from your nose and your skin will erupt in festering pustules. Take a couple of Aspirin and go to bed early. Try having bacon and eggs for afternoon tea.
Lucky Architecture: Postmodern