Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Every hair on your body will fall out. However, you will be offered the lead role in 'Kojak - The Musical'.  Try having an ice-cream for afternoon tea.

Lucky Bones: Vertebrae

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up.  Try having pork pies for a snack between meals.

Lucky Organ: Appendix

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

It's the early bird that gets the worm. The dead bird just gets worms.  Try having a hamburger for a light snack.

Lucky Composer: Brahms

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

That person you fancy at work is actually a cannibal. Cancel the dinner date.  Try having steak and chips for lunch.

Lucky Bone: Coccyx

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime.  Try having cheese on toast for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Bird: Diabolical Nightjar

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn.  Try having bubble and squeak for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Artist: Gainsborough

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow.  Try having truffles for brunch.

Lucky Empire: Incan

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for.  Try having a vindaloo for breakfast.

Lucky Note: Longa

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate.  Try having tomato soup for lunch.

Lucky Column: Nelson's

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying.  Try having bangers and mash for supper.

Lucky Author: Poe

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Don't do that, you'll go blind.  Try having cottage pie for dinner.

Lucky Composer: Rossini

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella.  Try having Lancashire hotpot for a snack between meals.

Lucky Bird: Square-tailed Drongo