Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

Don't count your chickens before they're hatched. They might be baby crocodiles.  Try having shepherd's pie for a mid-morning snack.

Lucky Tower: Eiffel

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

Every hair on your body will fall out. However, you will be offered the lead role in 'Kojak - The Musical'.  Try having chicken tikka masala for afternoon tea.

Lucky Cheese: Gruyère

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up.  Try having peanut buttter and jelly sandwiches for elevenses.

Lucky Philosopher: Jung

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

It's the early bird that gets the worm. The dead bird just gets worms.  Try having toast for supper.

Lucky Bird: Masked Booby

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

That person you fancy at work is actually a cannibal. Cancel the dinner date.  Try having stew and dumplings for a light snack.

Lucky Organ: Ovaries

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime.  Try having Lancashire hotpot for tea.

Lucky Note: Quaver

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn.  Try having toast for a late evening snack.

Lucky Note: Semibreve

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow.  Try having peanut buttter and jelly sandwiches for dinner.

Lucky Empire: Sunderland

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for.  Try having lobster thermidor for a late evening snack.

Lucky Mollusc: Whelk

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate.  Try having cheese on toast for dinner.

Lucky Empire: Aztec

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying.  Try having toad-in-the-hole for elevenses.

Lucky Bird: Bushtit

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Don't do that, you'll go blind.  Try having bacon and eggs for dinner.

Lucky Philosopher: Confucius