Aries 21st March - 19th April
Every hair on your body will fall out. However, you will be offered the lead role in 'Kojak - The Musical'. Try having an ice-cream for afternoon tea.
Lucky Bones: Vertebrae
Taurus 20th April - 21st May
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. Try having pork pies for a snack between meals.
Lucky Organ: Appendix
Gemini 22nd May - 21st June
It's the early bird that gets the worm. The dead bird just gets worms. Try having a hamburger for a light snack.
Lucky Composer: Brahms
Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July
That person you fancy at work is actually a cannibal. Cancel the dinner date. Try having steak and chips for lunch.
Lucky Bone: Coccyx
Leo 24th July - 23rd August
You and your hordes of mounted archers will sweep across most of Asia and Eastern Europe by lunchtime. Try having cheese on toast for a mid-morning snack.
Lucky Bird: Diabolical Nightjar
Virgo 24th August - 23rd September
You will catch temporary dyslexia and fidn ti rdah ot edra het sret fo shti ensetecn. Try having bubble and squeak for a mid-afternoon snack.
Lucky Artist: Gainsborough
Libra 24th September - 23rd October
You will suffer a blow to the head and awake to find yourself somewhere over the rainbow. Try having truffles for brunch.
Lucky Empire: Incan
Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unfortunately the birds in your bush are thrush. Natural live yoghurt is called for. Try having a vindaloo for breakfast.
Lucky Note: Longa
Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December
According to the adage, a rolling stone gathers no moss. That's why Bill Wyman never dated Kate. Try having tomato soup for lunch.
Lucky Column: Nelson's
Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January
Beggars can't be choosers. But they can be annoying. Try having bangers and mash for supper.
Lucky Author: Poe
Aquarius 21st January - 19th February
Don't do that, you'll go blind. Try having cottage pie for dinner.
Lucky Composer: Rossini
Pisces 20th February - 20th March
Frogs will rain down from the skies. Don't forget to take your umbrella. Try having Lancashire hotpot for a snack between meals.
Lucky Bird: Square-tailed Drongo