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Horoscopes

Aries 21st March - 19th April

You will wake up to find that you have metamorphosed into a giant cockroach.  Try having Lancashire hotpot for dinner.

Lucky Author: Kipling

Taurus 20th April - 21st May

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Especially when he needs money.  Try having egg and chips for a snack between meals.

Lucky Dog: Miniature Schnauzer

Gemini 22nd May - 21st June

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. Or, to put it another way, fair exchange is no robbery in the world of organ donation.  Try having lobster thermidor for elevenses.

Lucky Moustache: Pencil

Cancer 22nd June - 23rd July

Better to be alone than in bad company. That's why Paul Rodgers went solo.  Try having stew and dumplings for tea.

Lucky Artist: Renoir

Leo 24th July - 23rd August

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, especially one with extremenly bad breath  Try having prawn curry for a snack between meals.

Lucky Composer: Sibelius

Virgo 24th August - 23rd September

Great minds think alike, but fools seldom differ. Either way you'll be accused of plagiarism  Try having egg and chips for tea.

Lucky Bone: Tibia

Libra 24th September - 23rd October

It's an ill wind that blows no good. Especially after eating beans.  Try having pasta bake for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Bird: Zitting Cisticola

Scorpio 24th October - 22nd November

Recall that a fool and his money are soon parted. Send your donations to me.  Try having a doner kebab for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Facial Hair: Beard

Sagittarius 23rd November - 21st December

Too many cooks spoil the broth. Try using about one and a half.  Try having suckling pig for lunch.

Lucky Author: Cervantes

Capricorn 22nd December - 20th January

You will be encumbered by a cumbersome cucumber.  Try having egg and chips for dinner.

Lucky Author: Crichton

Aquarius 21st January - 19th February

You will drink a cup of tea or coffee today. Or maybe a glass of water.  Try having roast beef and Yorkshire puddings for dinner.

Lucky Philosopher: Epicurus

Pisces 20th February - 20th March

Your bad breath will cause the extinction of a rare species of woodlouse.  Try having cheese on toast for a mid-afternoon snack.

Lucky Philosopher: Hegel